November 13, 2014

Out Of Control

This year has been a lot of things I didn't think it would be. I have always needed control in most aspects of my life. Even from my earliest years there were patterns of control issues. It started with my little brother. Aside from the fact that he was the most annoying creature I'd ever met, I couldn't accept that he wouldn't do whatever I told him to do. It soon became important for me to be able to control and manipulate him. And I got good at it...and I was mean. 

My control issues only led to similar bitter outcomes through the years. It led me to alter my eating as a teenager. It kept me in a terribly unhealthy relationship because I had to prove that it could work even when everyone knew it wouldn't. It's led me as an adult to trust very few people to do things because I know they won't do it right. 

My struggle with infertility has been no stranger to this belief that I can control everything. This was supposed to be the year that I controlled my way into pregnancy and motherhood. I made the mistake of setting a deadline at the beginning of the year. I was going to end this whole ordeal by my 25th birthday. Well, as you can guess, the deadline came and went and I beat myself up about it. Hard. I was forced to realize this was an area of my life I could not control. I couldn't put that kind of pressure on my body.

So I shifted my need to control into not caring. "Well, if this isn't going to happen for me, I will just not care about it." I honestly got to a point where I didn't care. If I got pregnant, great. If not, cool: I get all kinds of free time that my friends don't get. I get full nights of uninterrupted sleep. I don't have to stretch my body and push a human out of my lady parts. Great. 

I used this control over my apathy to extend into my religious concerns. And it felt completely justified because I believed that a similar apathy was being returned on the other end. "Well, if you don't care about me then..."

One would believe that I could look back on my life and see the pattern. All the times I refused to let go of control, the inevitable crash followed. Then November came. Oh, November. This month quickly started the spiral. I had a lot going on in the beginning of the month and as you can remember I had gotten really good at "not caring". That held me off for a bit. But it caught up to me. I was once again forced to confront my lack of control. 

The truth is that I do care. I care an awful lot. While I can fake it for awhile, it's based on dishonesty and crumbles in the end. That became utterly apparent while I was driving through the mountains, crying my eyes out, to 1989. I found this quote from Ray Bradbury the other day: "Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get. Life should be touched, not strangled. You’ve got to relax, let it happen at times, and at others move forward with it." Few things apply to my life more than these words. 

My need to control is driven by anger and distrust. It's been easier to cling to my pride and do everything myself. And when it doesn't go as I planned, I convince everyone it's what I meant to do. The biggest problem is I'm not ready to let go. I can't bring myself to stop strangling life. I'm still angry and I don't see a reason to trust. So here I am, completely out of control. Trying to learn to relax and let things happen, or not happen..

and it is one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  

16 comments:

  1. I commend you for your bravery in writing this. And also, I want to say, me too. Because that phrase seems to help more than a lot of things. Me too, me too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sometimes I just get so angry at life. I sometimes blame God for not letting me have my way. In my head, you see, I have it all planned out. I think I know what's right for me and I'm almost 100% sure that if it doesn't go my way then everything will just fall apart.

    I've been wanting a lot of things lately, a lot of things that I can't buy or make myself. They are dreams and goals that are out of my control and I have been waiting a long time for them and it's hard. Super hard. I've realised though that God isn't the one to blame, it's my expectations. Trust is hard in these times, but sometimes I just have to put my faith in God's timing. I have no idea what He's doing or why He's doing it but I have to remind myself that His plan is far better than anything I could have ever put together myself. It's hard though....and it's a lesson I'm still learning.

    Thanks for your honesty in sharing this with us. I think you've touched us more than you know xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. bri. this was beautiful. as are you and your thoughts. thanks for this.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Although I'm not struggling with exact same issue as you are, I relate to this post more than I've related to most things. I feel you.. it sucks wanting control over things you have no control over...it is so so hard and I completely understand. I've been working on this same issue this year, my New Years resolution was to CHILL OUT about life.. it's been a HUGE struggle though. Thank you for these words, you are amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This was a beautiful and honest post and I think we need a lot more of that in our lives. Thank you for being strong enough to share.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think this struggle is something that a lot of people, including myself, can relate to. That Bradbury quote is encouraging and so fitting for the changes I'm making in my life right now. Thank you for sharing your truth with us.

    -Dee

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh Bran. One thing you don't lack is humility. You can look at a crappy situation or trial or weakness and tell it like it is. It takes a lot of humility to see and admit the pattern and the struggle. I love you. Sorry if I come on too strong sometimes. I just want to fix it for you which is MY control issue :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh Bri, I know exactly how you feel. I could probably write a 3,000 word essay in response to your post because I too have felt this caring/not caring struggle you so accurately described. My heart is with you. I wish I had better words of comfort, but just know you are so loved.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I sent this to a friend who is also struggling with infertility and shares a lot of the same feelings you do. Thanks for being brave enough to share this and just know that you aren't alone in it. And recognizing our shortcomings and trying to do better is half the battle :) Hang in there girl. - Sarah

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are a gem. I've had a lot of similar thoughts lately and it's hard. Really hard. But you are strong. It will all work out.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I think this is a great post. I totally understand how you feel about the control issue thing. I have control issues as well. I hope the best for you on this infertility journey.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Just so you know, I follow this new blog and really miss our emailing. You're a very inspiring person to me and I think this post is beautiful. I hope things get easier for you soon.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Wow, absolutely beautiful. When you figure out how to do this, please let me know.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you for putting this into words for us. I, too, am in your shoes. Infertility and pregnancy loss is a huge part of who I am-- who I never thought I'd be. I'm reading along, identifying with your words, sending you some support, and hoping so much that your journey in this wilderness ends soon.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I've been following you for a while on Instagram and not exactly sure why I haven't visited your blog sooner. Perhaps today was just meant to be the day, because I immediately found this post first. I'm going through this same struggle right now and it f**king sucks. If you ever want to talk, let me know: ohemmadeer(at)gmail(dot)com. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete