December 3, 2014

The Hairy Deets

I'm going to assume that if you follow this blog, you also follow me on instagram. So you know that I opened up about infertility the other day. I don't think it's a real secret that we've been dealing with this for awhile but I've always left things out. I'm at a point where I feel like I need to share and hold nothing back.

I got a few questions that I thought I'd address here...

What about adoption? 

For us, adoption is definitely an option. Jordan was adopted, as were all of his siblings. My mother was also adopted. The choice is very close to home for both of us. On the other hand, I feel very strongly that we will conceive our children and right now it feels appropriate to try and figure that out. If, down the road, we feel we are being pushed toward adoption, I will dive into it with my whole heart.

Have you seen a doctor?

I have been seeing a doctor for about four months now. Luckily I found someone that I feel has been very realistic and proactive about this whole process. We have done tests and started treatments and are just going down the list of easiest to hardest as far as this all goes. I am currently trying clomid. I will be starting my third cycle of it in the next week. That is where we're at right now and we'll see how far it takes us.

I want to note that there is much good that has come out of this whole process. When you express hurt and pain in certain things, it can seem like you don't see the good. But it is there.

This year I started nannying a baby girl. She was 3 months old when I started. At first I thought being with her would make this all hurt more. To my surprise it did the exact opposite. Being with that little girl has brought so much healing and peace. It's also helped me look at motherhood with more realistic eyes. It's easy to look at motherhood through rose colored glasses when you're going through infertility. But I feel like I have a healthy understanding of the work that is being a mother. I'd also say I have a healthy fear of the day that I actually become a mother...

This year has also been a time to wrestle with my role as a woman. Specifically my role as an infertile woman in the LDS faith. It has taken time for me to understand my worth beyond the titles of wife and mother. If we had started having children really early, I could see myself having lost my identity in "MOTHER". Struggling to get pregnant and feeling out of place among the other women at church has been tough but it's opened my mind to all that I have to offer just being me: Bri, the individual. It's allowed me to explore areas of creativity that I find a lot of joy in such as music and art. It's helped me get to know myself and set goals beyond having children. 

Last, infertility has opened up so many sweet relationships with good women that I probably would not otherwise have. I have had amazing women tell me their stories and lift me up when I needed it. And I have been able to help others in their time of need and support and empathize with them. 

The thing about struggling to get pregnant is that all it takes is one successful month. One good month and it's done. Part of the reason I have waited so long to speak up is I kept thinking, "What if I put all of this out there and it's over the next month? Doesn't that seem insincere? Won't that just hurt the women that are still going through it?" I still feel those things even now. But the truth is, I have found more good has come from sharing than not sharing. So, I'm going to share.


  1. Love this. Keep up this honesty. Also love you.

  2. Love the optimism and truth. One more good thing from this, you can keep a decorative globe on your floor. Your future baby will happily destroy that. :) And this is obviously Carly. It won't let me out of Jordan's profile. Or maybe it will but I just can't figure it out, okay?

    1. I like how you think with the globe on the floor ;)

    2. Hahaha I love you. And yes I can put ALL THE THINGS on the floor.

  3. I know this struggle so well and even though we've given up the idea of having a family doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt that it won't happen.

  4. I am proud of you Bri! This is obviously a hard subject to talk about, but I am glad you spoke up. I am glad you realize how important it is for you as well to explore yourself, and see yourself as an individual. I think that is really important

  5. thanks so much for talking about this. i always need to read it.


  6. I think it's wonderful how brave you are, and I am glad that you can see the good side of it all too. I wish you the best Bri.

  7. big hugs to you, i love this post and all the honesty. i think by you sharing, you are really making women out there feel love and support from you. i'm sending love and support your way too xo

  8. I can only say what I've done multiple times now in letting you know how brave I think you are for taking this step, and sharing all you have, and how thankful I am for you doing so. Stories and experiences like those you talk about here offer others the opportunity to recognise themselves in your words, and that's incredible, because it allows them to realise that they aren't alone.

    And I'm in awe of your optimism, and am pleased that you have learned so much from your experience - as Sarah mentions above, it's necessary to remember you are important, and that you should not leave yourself behind. You are Bri, above and beyond all else, and Bri is bloody marvellous.

  9. This is beautiful, Bri. Hoping the best for you always.

  10. Dear Bri,

    I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in how you feel. I felt the same way except my husband didn't want to have any least not for awhile. When we first got married 4 years ago I suddenly had a deep desire to have a baby. I never wanted anything more in my life. Of course I was on birth control but I still felt very disappointed every month when aunt flo would pay a visit.
    I tried my hardest to keep my feelings to the side but it was a huge struggle. And when I went to confide in my friends or family they would always tell me that I was too young or I should focus on enjoying marriage. No one understood how I felt. And since my husband wasn't on board either it made talking to him about it that much harder.
    There are some woman out there who have that deep desire to be a mother and I was one of them.
    Once we hit out two year anniversary I had asked him if he was ready and he still wasn't. So I told him that I wanted to get off birth control because it didn't feel natural. But in reality I just wanted to up my antis of getting pregnant. And I knew that it was selfish of me but I couldn't fight the feelings I had.
    More time went by, more pregnancy tests were bought and thrown away. More tears. Chad tried having sympathy for me but it was hard for him. We had tons of accidents while I was off birth control so I just couldn't believe that I wasn't pregnant yet. I started to think that maybe there was something wrong with me. I never bothered seeing a doctor because we weren't trying to have kids anyways.
    I would go through ups and downs where I didn't care and then other times where it seemed like there were pregnant women and babies in every direction that I looked and I envied them.
    My sister Chelsea had moved from Colorado to California where I lived and she had two kids and I thought her moving would help fill some of the void I was feeling. And for the most part it did but it just wasn't the same.
    At the beginning of the year in 2013 I decided enough was enough. I was tired of beating myself up over something was wasn't going to happen and that my husband wasn't even ready for. So I decided to dedicate my mind towards learning more about photography and more about myself personally. I had finally let go of all my stress and sadness and I was truly happy and content in life.
    Two months later I was pregnant. After tons and tons of negative pregnancy tests I stood in my bathroom in shock.
    I knew I would probably only have one child so to make it special we decided not to find out the sex of the baby till it was born. It was a little boy and he is now one.
    I know what you are going through. I know no matter what people say it doesn't really help, it still hurts. Sometimes we have to let go of our stresses and that alone will make everything better.
    When the time comes I know you will make a beautiful mother.

    I read your blog all the time, your photos are breathtaking.

  11. I also have infertility. In the beginning I was a mess when a friend told me about their pregnancy, especially if they didn’t mean to get pregnant. In our LDS culture the emphasis on families is one of the greatest aspects, but for those with infertility it can feel alienating. Having a family is filling the measure of our creation, and it's the one thing you can't make happen. It can lead to heartache and frustration. I spent many mornings crying in my closet holding a negative pregnancy test. Mother’s day was extra difficult. It wasn't until I resolved myself to be happy for others that the healing began. Elder Holland said, “We are not diminished when someone else is added upon”. Really believing that has helped me so much. I can be happy for others in their happiness. I have always been open about ours infertility because to me that is more people to pray for us or rejoice with us. I've found through sharing my experience that others are silently struggling and need the courage that comes from knowing they aren't alone. I love your focus on womanhood. It is only through our relationship with our Savior, and seeing ourselves as we truly are to Him, that we can face life's challenges with true perspective and hope - hope that comes through the atonement.
    Patricia Holland said, “In a poignant exchange with God, Adam states that he will call the woman Eve. And why does he call her Eve? Because she is the mother of all living. Eve was given the identity of the mother of all living years, decades, perhaps centuries before she ever bore a child. It would appear that her motherhood preceded her maternity. I believe ‘mother’ is one of those very carefully chosen words, one of those rich words- with meaning after meaning. I believe with all my heart that it is first and foremost a statement about our nature, not a head count of our children.”
    I know it is hard to smile through the well intended comments of others. There are too many that start with "at least". "At least you get to sleep in on the weekends", "at least you and your husband can travel when you want". As if you wake up on a Saturday thinking, "boy, that extra hour of sleep really soothed my broken heart and empty arms," If they could only see you in bed on a Saturday with your husband talking about how much fun it would be to have kids running in to pile into your bed, steal the covers and insist a cartoon be put on. If only they could feel how empty your vacation photos feel as you have hundreds of just you and your husband, and wish so badly you could be taking pictures of your kids instead. I've had to realize that most people when they comment or question, are just trying to minimize your pain, and are saying anything they can - because they don't know what to say. I have found myself in their shoes many times regarding other issues.
    Be proactive about your course of treatment. I feel like we wasted a lot of time on clomid (I took it for 15 months, with other meds before moving on to IUI 4x's and IVF 4x's). I wish I had said after 6 months of clomid - enough, let's move on, this obviously isn't working. It wasn't until we moved from our OBGYN to a reproductive specialist that we started to get into lots of tests and then into the procedures and treatments that have brought results for our family. Make yourself your best advocate. The website is an amazing resource. Heavenly Father knows you and loves you more than anything and is there to help bear your burden with you. He may not move the mountain in front of you, but he will most certainly help you climb it.

  12. (^^sorry, typos and being self-conscious)

    Late to the party, but wanted to say that I love this. I don't love that you're struggling, but I love that you're talking about it, and I love your attitude about it. Wishing you the best.

  13. I've known a lot of women who have struggled with infertility. It's so common but I can only imagine how hard it would be in your religion. I have a friend who is LDS, and she struggled a long time with infertility, miscarriages, etc. When she and her husband decided to adopt she got pregnant and then again. Now she has two beautiful adult daughters. I don't know why that happens but it does. My parents didn't have my brother until 11 years into their marriage and then me. Sometimes I really think our bodies know when they are ready and we can't control it. I also feel that the longer a couple waits to have a child the stronger they become as a family and a foundation for their future family. Anyway, blah blah. I hope you're well, and glad that you're self-exploring- that is really important at your age. It will happen someday:)