April 23, 2015

The Cool Girl

I am currently listening to LFO's self titled album. Do you know them? Summer Girls? You remember. I played this album over and over when I was, what, 9 or 10. I had a baby sitter at the time that I thought was the coolest girl I'd ever seen. I still believe that, actually. She was this tall, gorgeous, high school girl and everything about her completely fascinated me. Also she was nice to me, so that made her infinitely cooler. I remember she let me look through her purse one night. I pulled out every item one at a time and took the proper time to admire each one. I opened that hidden pocket all bags have to hide secret things. I pulled out a pad and had absolutely no idea what it was. I remember asking her but I don't remember her response. It wouldn't be too long til I had to figure it out for myself. 

I wanted to be just like her. I asked her all kinds of questions. She once told me she liked a band called LFO. I had no idea who they were or what they sounded like but I went to the store and bought that album. I listened to it all the time and I felt just a tiny bit closer to the coolest girl I knew.

I'd like to think I've strayed at least a LITTLE from the little girl that just wanted approval from the pretty, older girl. But a part of me thinks maybe not. It's really hard to not constantly wonder what people think about you, right? To not attempt to mold yourself against another person. I feel like I struggle with this more than I should. "I'm not as thin as her. Not funny and charming like her. I will never be as naturally pretty as her." I try to remember that most women feel this way at one time or another but it never stops it. Part of me yearns for the kind of relationships that strip all of that away. You don't have to worry because they love you for exactly who you are. I feel that with my family and Jordan and my Carly. But I guess I wish for it to manifest itself more frequently in my life.

4 comments:

  1. I cried to Jordan about all the same things this week so as far as that goes you're not alone. I'm sorry it was a rough week, but it does make me giddy that I am you're person because you are my person and you always will be.

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  2. Sorry to hear you've been having a rough week, love. Here's hoping things get better soon. xx

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  3. Oh, do I feel this. It's so difficult, I swear impossible at times, to get those comparisons and paranoia out of your mind. I have a breakdown over it periodically (pun intended). It definitely seems that real, sincere, vulnerable relationships are the only cure. For the record, I think you're unreal gorgeous, stylish, creative, honest and inspiring! Hopefully the fact that many people who follow you feel the same might give you some shelter from debilitating feelings like this. Even if we are just strangers...which is weird. But anyway. I'm not telling you to cheer up cause I hate it when people do that. Just know there are a lot of people who admire you, the way you admired your insanely cool babysitter.

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  4. Ugh, this is my life struggle. Whenever I spend time with certain people I feel myself morphing into them slowly. I begin talking similarly to them, I pick up their attitude and mannerisms and it drives me insane. Maybe it happens because I'm subconsciously seeking their approval? That's why it's so important to surround yourself with people who inspire and uplift you! Anyway, I feel you girl. I'm always reminding myself that it doesn't matter what others think of me. I hope your weekend is better than your week, and even though it doesn't really matter, I think you're a pretty cool person. :]

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