July 26, 2015

4:45pm

It's a quarter to five on Sunday evening. I'm still wearing my church clothes; that black dress I wore two weeks ago but with different shoes so I thought it was okay. It doesn't matter that we cleaned yesterday, the apartment is a mess. Both laundry baskets are sitting in the hall and my DIY project is still where I left it four days ago. My potted plants are dying. There are picture frames on the floor still waiting to be hung. Our kitchen table will always have stuff on it, I don't know why I even bother. I've been watching Seinfeld for two hours and thinking I should pick up that book I bought last month and never read. I also need to get my nails done. Dammit, we still need to put dinner away.

I'm thinking about the things I avoid. Like cluttered kitchen tables and books I've been meaning to read. I avoid eye contact with strangers and any song featuring Pitbull. I stay away from direct sunlight most days (cause skin cancer). I avoid sadness like the plague. I cut myself off from feeling any of it. The thing about sadness is it allows neglect for only so long. It patiently waits down deep and makes sure to charge interest. After your allotted time, it refuses rejection any longer and that's when you find yourself crying for 8 hours straight. Hard.

I guess I'm still really sad about stuff, ya know? I'm really sad about infertility. That is the hardest for me to admit. Sometimes it kicks me right in the stomach and I think this can't possibly be real. This can't be my life. I'm trying to find a way to allow myself to feel it. Because this is a thing and it needs attention. I'm allowed to let it rest on my heart for a time. I can mourn what is not and what should be. And maybe we can finally get through this.

4 comments:

  1. I wish I had the perfect thing to say.
    The first paragraph reminded me of myself and the constant state of my home.
    The second paragraph reminded me of the new Pixar movie, Inside Out. Especially this part about (the character) Sadness: "The thing about sadness is it allows neglect for only so long. It patiently waits down deep and makes sure to charge interest." I highly recommend this movie.
    The third paragraph kicked me in my own stomach and now I sit here crying with you.



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    1. I actually thought about Inside Out after I posted this. That movie was really emotional for and hit me like a ton of bricks.

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  2. Girl. You'll get through it, but it's okay that you don't believe me right now. And it's okay that you're mourning. You should mourn and you should take as much time as you need to care for yourself. Screw the messy table. Everyone's table is messy.

    For me, I turned my sadness regarding my infertility to anger because it was easier to feel than grief. I do not recommend this. I repeat: I do not recommend this. So take time for you. And be as sad as you want to, knowing there's an entire community who understands. <3

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  3. i feel like we are in the a similar headspace. i wrote something similar yesterday. sadness feels like a constant sometimes and it's easier to accept it than to "get better" because inevitability you will sink again. infertility is sometimes i've always been afraid of, even though i have no signs of it. i guess it's kind of a phobia. a friend of mine is currently going through a health scare that may leave her infertile and i can't imagine.. i just can't.
    if you ever need someone new to talk to (i know i do), feel free to stop by/email me. i'm not a creep, swear.

    -molly
    http://blog.mollyseemeador.com

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