September 19, 2015

Friends and Infertility

I shut out a lot of people in my life. This is not a thing I've always done, it's fairly new. And by new I mean in the last few years because I'm convinced after you turn 20, years go by like days and days go by like years (whoa, my brain could go in circles thinking about that forever).

I shut out the people closest to me, the ones I know will peer into my soul and speak the truth. And I guess I shut out the ones that are, to no fault of their own, reminders of what I'm running from. I'm running from pain and loss and anger. I'm running from constantly thinking about how unfair everything is. I'm running from thinking about where I should be, or could be, but am not.

The thing is, it never occurred to me that my current predicament was making those same people shut me out too. I have been so busy pushing them away and isolating myself, it hadn't crossed my mind that they were feeling the same things.

So I want to tell my friends, specifically my friends with children, that I am sorry. I'm sorry I pushed you away because I didn't want to hear about your new baby. I'm sorry you have to feel a pang of guilt when you get pregnant. I'm sorry you don't want to share your life with me because it might cause pain. I'm sorry you feel like you have to say the perfect thing and never the wrong thing. I'm sorry I cannot relate to you and you cannot relate to me. I'm sorry that you want to fix it and you can't.

It doesn't matter what angle you look at infertility, it's all shit. It has to ruin absolutely everything, including relationships with the most important people. And although it is painful to hear about your pregnancies, it is worse knowing that you are withholding major parts of your life because of this ugly, hairy mess that is infertility. 

I will try harder not to shut you out. Please don't shut me out either.

7 comments:

  1. Hi, I am so sorry you're feeling all these things. It's clear that you really want a baby; but have you considered adoption? You'd be doing something so good and still get to experience the pleasure of motherhood.

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  2. This was honest and raw and I get it. Not the infertility part but that wall that comes between people unknowingly and unwanted. I know as a mom, it is lovely ladies like you that are struggling and have pain, we want to be there with you. We may not know fully everything is going on and what it feels like, but we know the longing of a child. And that bonds us.

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  3. I feel like I'm on the other side of this fence right now with a friend. I agree, it's so unfair.

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  4. Even after reading this, I still find myself not saying anything because I want it to be the perfect thing so... I guess we need to catch up 😉

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  5. I had this conversation with someone earlier today. We protect ourselves-- and each other-- the best way we know how. It's all hard.

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