December 29, 2015

You Don't Have To Ask

For some time I kept specific trials in my life quiet. The fear was that if I opened up it would create this giant blinking marquee sign over my head that said INFERTILITY everywhere I went. Eventually it became important to talk about it, and I did. It should be obvious that I find a lot of healing in writing. On occasion, it feels right to send those words out into the universe and let them be for more than just me. I believe in sharing experiences and allowing others to mourn with you through hard times. And I like to believe I've helped even a few people going through similar experiences and that makes it a little worth it. 

Here is the thing though, that giant blinking marquee sign still managed to form over my head and I'm officially uncomfortable with its consistent presence. 

It doesn't feel right to be angry at people that want to ask me about it. I was the one that first opened that door. It's not fair for me to have it wide open for some occasions and bolted shut for others. I have shared some very personal feelings and experiences I've had with infertility, often with even total strangers because I put it on this site. Because of that I feel like I owe people this (whether that's true is up for debate). So here is probably the last thing I will say about it: 

I am doing great; you don't have to ask me about it anymore. 

Infertility is not even a thing I think about on the daily. You know what I do think about everyday? My art and what I'm going to do with it next. You can ask me about that. I think about my family and friends and the happiness they bring me. You can ask me about that. I think about essential oils, that's fun. You can ask me about that. I think about how absurd it is that so many people think Ross was a terrible character. I mean, let's all get over the "we were on a break thing", okay? Ross is hilarious. You can ask me about that. 

I really love and appreciate all of you that have reached out to me and shown me love and support. Thank you so so much. This is just not THE THING that it used to be. (Believe it or not, I am not pregnant. I'm actually just happy being me and where I'm at in life without children *gasp*). So I'm giving everyone permission to stop talking about it. 

*takes marquee sign down and maybe smashes it with a hammer a few times*


  1. In 2016 - I want everyone to stop asking me when I'll get married.
    We are more than that thing people label us with. ;)
    And yes, Ross was so bad at acting.

  2. I am sorry if I have ever have overstepped or added to your pain or discomfort concerning the subject or discussion of the subject. You are very dear to my heart and I always want and hope for the best for your life. Writing & sharing this essay is courageous and mature. I, for one, would be highly interested in your artistic endeavors. During the last few years, I have become a mixed media artist and art journal (basically I paint and create art in a book) regularly. My art and writing is my therapy and has helped me immeasurably to deal with the constant barrage of tumor activity, cancer, and deaths. I can express through my art things for which there are no words. Anyhow, thank you for sharing your heart and writing. Every time I read a post of yours, I am reminded of the wonderful family from whom you've emerged and how much you all mean to Gary & I. As always, I wish you all the very best.

  3. I am more of a Chandler girl myself, but I have to give it to you. Ross is truly hilarious.

  4. Yup. This is me and my miscarriages-- talked about it openly, it helped me heal some, and it helped some other people feel less alone... but eventually it started to dominate my life and define my conversations and... there's just so much more to me. Well said!

  5. I completely agree! Ross is such a crack up.