November 2, 2016

Conceal


I don't know how to share things anymore. Even right now, I'm sitting at my computer fighting the urge to recoil from the keyboard, to get off this chair and continue feeding this beast I've named "privacy". I don't want anyone to know that this year has been one of the hardest of my life. I don't want you to know that I'm sad and angry and scared and tired and apathetic all at once. 

I shared before. I shared without thinking about what it meant and it came back to bite me. I remember what friends and family, and even total strangers, did with my over sharing. I still remember being cornered at family functions, or in the hallway at church, or even while watching my siblings perform at a school event. I could never escape it and it took serious therapy to right that wrong. I don't want that again. So I've stopped sharing. Even with the people closest to me and, spoiler alert, holding it all in is arguably worse (for my general wellbeing) than the over sharing. 

What is the balance? I have yet to figure it out. How do we allow someone to experience a hard thing without it becoming the thing we use to define them? How do I let the words leave my mouth without also watching them instantly take new shape and become this entity set on working against me?

I want to share--Actually I need to share, but I'm afraid of regretting it. I'm afraid of being punished for it. 

3 comments:

  1. I can't believe I've missed so many of your posts. For the record, I don't know how to find a balance with anything. Relationships, time alone. Self-esteem, selfishness. Creativity, losing my effing mind. I feel like everyday is a tightrope walk and I'm just holding my breath hoping I don't fall. So. I have no answers but you aren't all alone up there.

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  2. I used to overshare too...well, I just felt like I was sharing and I also felt like I was being very clear about what I was talking about....and then everyone still seemed to misunderstand my point, so I basically stopped too. At least sharing any real struggles or processing life. It turned out to be good I guess, learned better what stuff is better kept private and how to process with those who would understand me and I could actually talk with if they had misunderstood me, but I still love blogging/Instagram and actually really enjoy the sharing. And I always appreciated it when others were vulnerable and open. But I just got so irritated with people adding to my words or taking them out of context....but maybe it's just a natural consequence of publicly sharing anything. Haven't figured out the balance yet, part of me wants to get back to blogging, but the other part is just tired and knows it's so much easier to just live without other people's commentary. So I'm just waiting, until I feel like I can either deal with being misunderstood or I have something so worth sharing the frustration is worth it.

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  3. I found that the key is to confide in the right people. The ones who will not use it against you and ones who won't constantly bring it up and, like you said, who won't define you through your struggles. The real challenge for me is devising ways how I can identify these types of people. All in all, I have never gained anything from sharing too much with too many. If anything, I have lost more time and energy... But this is just me..

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