September 29, 2017

"I'm gonna miss it a lot."

Last week I was watching the first episode of Humans of New York: The Series and half way through I found myself bawling to a boy talking about the pain of growing up, the loss of it. "I just don't want to let go, in general."

I’ve been reading up recently about the ways our bodies manifest emotional pain. I have been dealing with chronic pain and digestive issues for years. I’ve tried countless things to help and nothing works for very long. As I’ve studied the specific symptoms I experience and the emotions that correlate, there has been a resounding theme: fear and inflexibility to change, inability to move forward and let go.

I feel the pain of change long before it actually comes. My senior year of high school, I was immersed in music and having some of the best times in all those four years. In the back of my mind the dread of it being over in the spring always loomed. I remember telling one of my friends, “This is going to be really painful when it ends.” I also remember her look of confusion. And as I was watching this sweet boy tear up about losing time with his parents and growing out of his favorite shoes, it all came crashing down in one mini panic attack.

My entire life has been spent clinging desperately to every last thing coming and going. I ache for the cares of being a kid. I feel real pain at the thought of all my siblings growing up and moving in six different directions. I ache watching the children I nanny get bigger. I’m sad at the sight of old toys, old clothes, old life. I’m afraid to grow our family and lose the one on one time my husband and I have had for seven years—and I worry we’ve wasted it. I worry about the time I have with my parents. I look back at my life with a sense of loss instead of joy for experience. 

How I move gracefully through change I am far from understanding. But I see it now, I didn’t realize all that I was holding onto before. This is the start of learning how to actively let go with my whole being and it’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

No comments:

Post a Comment